Our Founding Fathers’ chowder preferences predict who will win the Super Bowl!
We’ve been gearing up for the Super Bowl here and have learned some very interesting facts about our nation’s history, our founding fathers, and the role New England clam chowder played.
It is clear that New England beats New York in all chowder debates. Senators Kerry and Gillibrand may be goofing around about the merits of chowders, and there is a plethora of evidence out there that demonstrates clearly that Manhattan clam chowder is an abomination. And that to root for New York is just un-American.
In a chowder-tastic twist on Super Bowl predictions, we are going to look at our founding fathers and their chowder preferences to try and predict the winner. SPOILER ALERT: Go Patriots!
A Brief History of Chowder
In November 1620, John Howland (who fell off the Mayflower) explored the coast with a few other Pilgrims. Upon returning to the ship, he brought with him a bushel of clams, a cow, a pig and some potatoes. And thus, the first meal of our new nation was born.
Since then, the Greatest Americans have all preferred New England over New York. Fact.
The 10 Best Founding Fathers Loved New England
1. & 2. The Adams Family
There is absolutely no question where John Adams’ loyalties lie.
The man was a true Patriot in every sense of the word. The man had his priorities in order. He once said “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence. And the facts are clear. Those weenies in New York make a crappy chowder.”
In addition to John, Abigail wrote a series of letters to her husband, largely centered around the rights of cream based chowder lovers.
Brewer and Patriot Samuel Adams is known for many things, but did you know that he staged a Chowder Party in 1801, against the introduction of tomato into chowder? True fact.
For the extra point – The Sam Adams Winter Lager I am drinking right now is very tasty.
Patriots 7 – Giants 0
3. Benjamin Franklin
Given Philly’s proximity to New York City, you might think he would prefer Manhattan style chowder. You would be wrong. He was a Bostonian, through and through and his words remind us of the horror of tomato based chowders.
He had this to say about New Yorker, “Savages we call them because their manners differ from ours. But does tomato in one’s chowder make one a savage? It most certainly does.”
It is also clear that Ben would much prefer the enlightened values of thrift, hard work, and education so thoroughly connected to New England.
Fact: Benjamin Franklin loved New England clam chowder.
For the extra point – Harpoon is a much better beer than Brooklyn Brewery.
Patriots 14 – Giants 0
4. Alexander Hamilton
I have to give this one to New York, obviously. Where would Wall Street be without him? And of course, he was a New Yorker through and through.
He was a bastard in the technical sense and in the broader sense. And he had affairs. He was AN IMMIGRANT! He wasn’t even a REAL AMERICAN for crying out loud.
Of course he would choose New York. He probably stood “on line” too.
For the extra point we looked at some of his namesakes. The F and G lines are atrocious. His parkway stinks too. Outside the uprights.
Patriots 14 – Giants 6
5. Thomas Paine
Attempt by New York to claim this Philly-Jersey boy. They can have him.
But wait, there’s a flag.
The call is “irrelevant and lacking in any important data.”
Patriots 14 – Giants 6
6. John Hancock
Smuggler, merchant, fancy signature making Bostonian and devout cream based chowder Patriot.
While Mr. Hancock wasn’t busy financing much of the revolution, he spent most of his free time clamming. He and his BFF Paul Revere used to go out to Deer Island Park and get a few bushels every Saturday morning.
In 1774, he spoke bravely against one of the more Intolerable Acts, the (Alexander Hamilton supported) “Pork Act” which sought to tax bacon and pork fat, without which he famously said
“Our very right to a free and democratic society is under direct threat. Without our pork, we may be forced to consume weak tomato based chowders. We should be no better than savages.”
No extra point.
Patriots 20 – Giants 6
7. Patrick Henry, 8.Thomas Jefferson and 9. James Madison
Virginia is for lovers. And New England clam chowder fans.
Down where the south begins, they know how to make seafood soups. They also know how to make Brunswick stew out of squirrel but we don’t need to go there. Virginians love oyster stew made with a cream base.
Patriots 23 – Giants 6
Another important history lesson from this famous Virginia threesome is that there is a great and long standing loyalty among Virginians toward New England and toward creamy clam chowders. Unfortunately, much of the evidence of Henry, Jefferson, and Madison’s passionate defense of creamy clam chowder was burned by a band of Giants fans during the Civil War.
Well. They weren’t Giants fans YET. But they would have been. I know it.
Therefore, while it is certain that their belief in New England would warrant at least a TD or two, without hard evidence, we are unable to ethically assign points to New England for this lot.
Patriots 23 – Giants 6
10. George Washington
On April 30, 1789, George Washington and John Adams were in New York City, then our nation’s capitol, for the presidential inauguration.
But did you know that it almost didn’t happen at all? True story.
On his way to Federal Hall, he stopped in at Fraunce’s Tavern for a bit of lunch. He ordered his favorite dish – clam chowder. When the waiter brought his pewter bowl, he saw it was red and flipped the eff out.
It is said that he jumped to his feet, brandished his steel-hilted sword, and sliced the throat of the waiter who “dared present him with such foul stench.”
Alexander Hamilton showed up and started to challenge George to a duel but Senor Hamilton got scared and ran away crying over spilled chowder.
Since that day, Manhattan style clam chowder has never been served in Fraunces Tavern again. Extra point, Patriots.
Final score for SuperBowl 46?
Patriots 30 – Giants 6